Hunting for Sam
by Visionairy
Summary: Three more days without a break and 8 states over, Sam's found them yet another hunt. Dean, however, has a much more important hunt in mind. Now he just needs to get Sam on board.  Occurs 3 days after The Third Man; no knowledge of spoilers beyond 6x03.
1. Chapter 1

**Hunting for Sam**

by Visionairy

Three more days without a break and 8 states over, Sam's found them yet another hunt. Dean, however, has a much more important hunt in mind. Now he just needs to get Sam on board.

Spoiler Note: Begins three days after The Third Man (6x03) - but with no knowledge of or spoilers beyond that ep.

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Dean picked up the greasy cheeseburger in front of him and took another bite. Two more days without a break and 8 states over, Sam's found them another hunt. A small town in the Smokey Mountains was the site of some unusual maulings, along with reports of blood leaking steadily out of a solid cliff face. Four locals had been attacked over the past month, two had almost died, but nobody could describe what had attacked them. Yeah, it looked like their kind of thing, but Dean had a much more important hunt in mind.

Dean watched as Sam worked through his meal. He was the picture of focused efficiency – even when he ate. Sandwich in one hand, drink in the other. He tilted his burger at the exact angle to make sure no grease dripped out. And don't even get Dean started on the way he'd had his arsenal arranged. Taking a sloppy bite out of his burger, Dean watched as a large splotch of ketchup fell back mostly onto his plate.

They hadn't actually said a word to each other since sliding into the sticky formica booth and placing their orders. Companionable silence was one thing – a comfortable necessity when traveling together for any period of time. Before the apocalypse, they could go for hours without talking yet feeling perfectly in sync. This quiet was different. This Sam, who had been riding with him in the Impala over the past few days, was perfectly fine talking about nothing more than the next case. And when he didn't have anything more to say about it, he didn't have anything more to say.

Whether Sam realized it or not, this man sitting in front of Dean was not the same brother that he'd known before the pit. And no, he wasn't buying Sam's story that he wasn't changed by his time as Lucifer's bitch. Hell was hell. And though Dean was just so damn relieved to have Sam back, he just couldn't let it go anymore.

"So, Sam…" Dean swallowed his burger and slathered a fry in the ketchup before looking back up at his brother. "What did you love most about Jess?"

"Why?" Sam tilted his head and looked cautiously at his brother, "Are you … missing Lisa?"

"No man, " Dean smiled back at his sibling, "Just making conversation." He took another bite.

Sam eyebrows moved closer together.

Dean went for another fry, then looked back up at his sibling. "So, … just wondering what was the best part of your relationship with Jess."

Dean watched as Sam tried to decide how to respond. The delay was telling.

Eventually Sam shrugged his shoulders, "Um .. all of it, I guess."

Dean's eyebrows shot up. "All of it?"

"Yeah, Dean." Sam's voice tensed. "All of it. What's not to like?"

"Riight," Dean gave him a tight nod. "Yeah, I guess so."

"What's up with you, Dean?" Sam put his greasy cheeseburger down in the exact center of his plate. "Why are you asking me about Jess? You sure this isn't about Lisa?"

"Hey, haven't been able to talk to you for a year. What? - Ya' got something else you'd rather talk about?" Dean wiped his face with his hand and picked up another fry.

Sam frowned. "No, uh … I ..just rather not talk about it."

"Okay, …" Dean shrugged, "No problem." He smiled as the waitress topped off their drinks.

They ate in silence for a while.

"So about this job …" Sam ventured.

Dean shook his head, "No way, Sam. I told you, I haven't been able to talk with you for awhile. Let's just …", he gestured between the two of them, "…talk."

"Talk?" Sam looked confused.

"Sam," Dean shook more salt onto the cooling fries. "Okay, yeah, it has been hard to leave Lisa and Ben behind. I thought it might help to know how you got over losing Jess?"

"Oh, …well, …" Sam shifted in his seat, "Well, you know … you were there."

"Yeaaah, Sam…" Dean shook his head, "I know what I saw you go through, … but how did you manage to get over it?"

"Well," Sam wiped his hands on his thighs, "I … just, you know, eventually … got over it."

"Huh."

"What .. huh?"

"Nothing, just never heard you describe it quite that way before."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Dean … it's been a few years. A lot has changed since then. So, no, it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. " He picked up his drink. "Same thing will happen with you and Lisa. It just takes time."

Dean nodded, "Good to know."

Sam watched as his brother took another bite of his burger. When nothing more was said, Sam took a drink.

"So," Dean continued, "Did you run into any of Ruby's friends down below?"

"What?" Sam glared across at his brother.

"Okay, never mind. You don't want to talk about it." Dean waved his hand in dismissal. "But I guess you would have had to be pretty pissed about the way she manipulated you like that - last seal and all. What would you have said to her if you'd run into her?"

Sam's eyes flashed before he looked away.

"Seriously, Dude. What would you have said to her given the chance?"

Dean watched as Sam straightened his shoulders and took a breath. "What's with you Dean? Twenty questions … really?"

Dean shrugged his shoulders, "I was just wondering if you remember what it felt like when you found out how badly she'd betrayed you."

Sam leaned forward, "So, what, are we going to do - relive my top ten, Casey? Is that where this is going? Seriously?"

"Okay, Sam, ..okay," Dean pushed his plate to the side, "Let's talk about the good stuff. Like … well, … do you remember how you felt when you got that official letter from Stanford - your very own Golden ticket? Do you remember?"

Sam's mouth tightened into a thin line. "What makes you all Mr. Caring and Sharing all of a sudden?"

"Come on, Sammy … I'm just trying to make sure it all came back with you. For instance," Dean thought for a moment, "Do you remember how you felt when Jess agreed to move in with you?"

"Of course I remember it, Dean." The right side of Sam's mouth turned up for a second. "And, technically, it was when I agreed to move in with her. But I'm guessing that's not your point."

"Huh? Wow." Dean considered that for a minute before he shook his head to get back on track. "Okay, well … how about when you were twelve and with five seconds left, your goal won the state championship for your team. I thought your face was going to split in half." Dean lifted his glass in a toast, "Good times …"

Sam lifted his glass, his voice so low Dean barely caught it, "Or when you came back topside?"

Dean paused. Huh. They'd fought so much after that, he didn't really think …

Sam set his glass down and pushed his plate away. Dean sighed. "Look, Sam. I'm not trying to be a prick here. I just need to know … can you _feel_ _anything_ anymore?"

Sam just looked back out the window. Dean waited. He decided to pass on the pie after all.

"Come on, Sam. Let's head out." Dean threw a twenty on the table and stood up to leave. Sam continued to stare out the window.

Dean squeezed his shoulder as he walked by, "Come on, buddy. "

Sam shook his head and slid out of the booth. Dean had shaken up the cool hunting machine that was his brother. That, at least, was something.

Sam followed Dean down the stairs and over to the car, coming to a stop with his hand on the door. His gaze was fixed on a great white egret sailing overhead.

Dean watched for a minute and then walked around and opened the trunk. He pulled out two beers from the cooler and closed the lid as he took a look around. "Sam," Dean gestured to a path that lead out toward the water. "Take a walk?"

Sam nodded tightly and followed his brother along the trail to a picnic area that looked out over the marsh. A picnic table that, Dean just realized, was too damn reminiscent of the one they sat at almost two years ago when he had agreed with Sam's proposal to split up. Dean clearly remembered the absence of emotion he exhibited then, when he agreed so readily to the idea.

Taking a seat facing his brother, Dean passed one over and then took a pull from his beer, "Look, Sammy … I'm not trying to say you're a prick either. I just know that something's off with you, bro. And whether you think it is or not, I need you to believe me - you're just not 'right' right now."

"Dean …"

"Sam .. please … just give me five minutes. That's all I'm asking."

Sam scrubbed his hand through his hair for a second, and then reluctantly gestured for his brother to continue.

tbc

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So, what do you think of this so far?


	2. Chapter 2

**Hunting for Sam**

_by Visionairy_

A/N: Tag to 6.03 – no knowledge of or spoilers for anything beyond The Third Man.

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Chapter 2

"_Sam .. please … just give me five minutes. That's all I'm asking." _

_Sam scrubbed his hand through his hair for a second, and then reluctantly gestured for his brother to continue._

"Okay, look … I get it Sam, I do. I still don't think I'm getting the full story, but I … I don't think you're lying to me either. I hope to god you're not, but I don't think you are." He took another long pull from his bottle, trying to gauge his brother's reaction. Nothing. "And if you are, well … I guess we'll deal with that when the time comes. But, " he leaned forward to make sure he had Sam's full attention, "… I think you do know that something's off with you. And you know it's more than just hunting 24/7 for the past year." He watched as Sam twisted the bottle in his grasp. "The thing is, this time … this time I don't think you really know what it is either – or why. I really don't."

Sam let out a deep breath. "Dean, what do you want me to say?"

"Nothing, Sammy – not right now. The tough part here is, even though you know something's is wrong, I don't even think you _want _to change it." Dean paused, "Do you?"

Sam tilted his head and gave a quick shrug of his shoulders, "I really don't know what you're talking about, Dean."

Dean looked right into his brother's eyes. "Look, Sam … I 'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt here. I'm just asking you to do that for me too."

Sam hesitated, but then nodded in agreement.

"Do you trust me, Sam?"

Sam put down his bottle. "Course I do."

"Really, Sam?" Dean watched Sam for a few moments before leaning down and pulling out the knife he always carried with him, "Do you trust me more than Samuel?"

Sam paused for a fraction of a second too long. "Yes, … clearly."

"But my question for you, Sammy, is…" Dean leaned forward and stuck his knife into the wood, "Do you really feel that trust, or do you just think you should say that?"

"Dean …"

Dean's hand had the knife out of the table and pointing at his brother in a blink of an eye. "No, Sam. Do you – do _you _really trust me?" He twirled the knife in his fingers. "Think about it. Don't give me the answer you think I want to hear. Tell me the truth." He stuck the knife into the table again. "How much do you trust me?"

Sam's eyes followed the blade as Dean moved it. He was still staring at it as it was embedded into the table. Rubbing his hands on his thighs, Sam's expression went from hard to faraway.

Dean got up and moved around to the other side of the table and swung his leg over the seat facing Sam. He put his hand on his brother's shoulder. "Sam, look, I know you're doing everything you can to survive right now. And I know that you say Hell didn't effect you, and maybe you don't think it did. But Sammy, … it did."

Sam dropped his head and shook it. "Dean, I'm no different …"

"Yes, Sammy. You are." He squeezed his shoulder, "You've got to trust me on that."

Sam looked up at Dean with the first shred of honest emotion Dean had seen since his brother had returned, but he just shook his head.

"Look dude, I'll tell you what I think is going on here."

Sam looked like he was about to interrupt, but Dean put up a hand silencing him.

"Look at it this way. When I got back from down under, I was angry. Pissed at everyone … and the experiences - my memories of what happened to me, and what I did down there … the only thing I could do was lash out to deal with the anger, and self-medicate to handle the pain."

"But you were down there a long time, Dean."

"Just … just let me finish, okay." Dean bumped Sam's knee with his own. "When we were growing up, and when Jess died, when Dad died, how did you always dealt with emotional pain?" Dean focused his stare right on his brother, "And I can't believe you just forced me to say 'emotional pain'."

Sam grimaced, "Same as you, Mr. Care and Share. You may not have been there, but when you went into the pit, I went through my own stock of Jack-Daniels."

"Yeah, but Sam … if you don't have someone to talk to, to hash it out with … someone who cares, you - Dr. Anal Retentive, Professor of Internalization – you eventually get all deadly calm and OCD." Dean raised his eyebrows pointedly at his sibling, "When it gets bad enough, and you can't work through it … _you_ don't deal with it, you just shut down." He shrugged, "No contact, no emotion, no pain."

"Really?" Sam scoffed.

"Well, anyway, the way I see it, that's what's going on with you now. Things happened to you down there. Things that were really, really bad at a level you don't want to, and maybe even can't, talk about right now. Not only were you in the pit, you were in the pit in a cage with Lucy himself. And I know he was pissed." Dean picked up the knife again and slid it away before looking back over. "And I know that time was different down there – and it may have been worse in the cage."

Leaning forward again, Dean was at least holding Sam's attention. "And who's to say you even remember it all right now. But that darkness, that pain, that agony and hopelessness - it made you box everything up that makes you Sammy, and put it away for safe keeping. It's the only way you could protect your sanity."

Sam slid his leg over the bench to get up. "You're a lunatic, you know that, right?"

Dean grabbed his knee and held it in place. "No, Sam. Just think about it. Do you remember any really good or really bad feelings you've ever had in your life? And not just the circumstances … the actual feelings? Do you remember how you felt when you first learned about the family business? Do you remember how you felt when the hell hounds were tearing into me, or when you found out that Yellow-Eyes had bled into your mouth? Do you remember your exact feelings when Dad told you if you were going to leave you had to stay gone? He paused for a second. "Do you remember how good it felt to make love to Jess?"

When Dean stopped talking, the silence continued on for some time before Sam turned back to face him, "You really think I'm schizophrenic – that I'm a mental case?"

"No, Sam – I don't." Dean sighed, "I just think you've done what you had to do to survive." He shook his head, "And, honestly, it's the only way I can see you going for a whole year leaving me hanging – thinking you were still in the cage. You really don't remember what it felt like to be left behind – to have your _brother_ trapped down below."

Sam blinked a few times before quickly standing and walking purposefully over to edge of the marsh. Dean let him go and waited for a bit before joining him to stare at the circling birds.

Sam stared into the distance for a while before straightening his shoulders and clearing his throat. His eyes were moist, but his expression was focused again, and his tone was bland. "I hear what you're saying Dean, but I don't agree with you. I'm fine."

Dean reached up and put his hand on his brother's shoulder. "I'm counting on it, Sam. And I will help you find that part of you that you've locked up right now. I'll be right here with you - whenever he needs to talk." Dean squeezed his hand and dropped it. "Meanwhile, do this for me. Don't trust Samuel and the other Campbells. They may call themselves our family, but they're not. You and me, we're family. Bobby's family. Lisa and Ben. Cas is our weirdo third cousin. But Samuel and those other guys … acquaintances at best. You may trust them, but I don't trust them with you – and damn well not the part of you that's gone missing!"

Sam raised the bottle back up to his lips. Surprised that the enigma next to him didn't automatically jump to their defense, Dean continued. "Just do me a favor and try to trust me. I'm only doing what you would do if you could right now."

Sam swallowed "Dean, I ..."

"Look, I know you can't accept it yet. If you could, we wouldn't be having have this conversation. But Sam, please think about it. Take some time each day to search through that humungous brain of yours, and try to find the rest of you." He turned back to face his brother, "I really miss him."

Sam shook his head, "I'm not broken, Dean. As much as you wish I could be fixed – as much as I'm not the brother you want me to be right now – I'm not broken. This is just – me."

"Okay, Sam." Running his hand through his hair, Dean didn't break eye contact for a second. "And I'm sorry if I what I'm saying hurts … but let's face it, I don't think you can really feel it right now anyway." He sighed. "Let's just agree that we both want what's best for the other. You 'protected' me by not telling me you were back, and I'll protect you by helping you get all the way back. Sound fair?"

Sam's calculating gaze intensified. "If that's what you want to believe, Dean, but I wouldn't hold your breath."

"As long as you'll think over what I said, that's okay by me." Dean slapped at a mosquito who was going for a full gallon, and noticed two more sucking away on his brother's arm. Since Sam wasn't doing anything about it, Dean swatted them away on principal. "Like I told you before – I'm here Sam, I'm not going anywhere. And if you can beat down freakin' Lucifer himself … if you're strong enough to take him right back down into the pit, you can beat this, too."

This time Sam didn't respond, his gaze moving back out into the marsh. The look of concentration on his brother's face giving Dean hope that Sam was at least considering what he'd said. They stood that way for several minutes before the mosquitoes he'd shooed away earlier brought back reinforcements.

"Come on, Sam, let's get out of here before we're bled to death."

Sam slowly shook himself out of his thoughts, "You done?"

Dean's smile appeared, "For now."

Sam turned toward the car, "Good, 'cause I've got another lead I want to …"

"Dude," Dean held up his hand, "… can't we just …"

Sam looked puzzled.

"Nah, that's okay. " He slapped three more mosquitoes off his brother's arm before motioning Sam back toward the car. "Your turn, Sammy. Tell me all about the case."

End

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I sincerely appreciate any comments! (I may continue this, depending on what happens in upcoming eps. **: )** )


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